What to Leave on Your Pillow

My Wondrous Carnelian Stone
Copyright Diane Ludeking 2012

 

I left something vital on my pillow upon waking one morning.

At breakfast I thought I had left my brains behind, sitting like a large carnelian stone in the depression created by its weight.  At lunch I thought I had left my sanity behind, pooling and dripping off my contoured pillow to the pillow-top mattress.  Later I thought I had left my logic behind, hungover and dozing beneath heavy quilts.

All day long I had a nagging notion that something slipped from me in my dreams and waited on my 500 thread count pillow case for me to scoop it back up.

Like a faithful dog awaits the return of its person, this thing I left behind sat and stared at the bedroom door while the sunlight tiptoed across the wall.

Whatever I left behind that morning hung heavy and wet like a towel turban about to fall free from my showered mane.  Would this feeling last for just this day?  Would it seep back into my skull upon my next slumber?  Did I want it back?

By nightfall, I knew what I had unwittingly left upon my pillow.  What I left behind made way for the most mindful, calm and pleasant day amidst my largest storm in recent years.  I wanted to know what was missing so that I could recreate the ease of this day again and again.  I wanted to pick up this missing thing from my sage colored pillow case and set it upon a shelf to collect dust.  What I left on my pillow would become a reminder of the way I wanted to be in the world.

What I left on my pillow that morning was fear.

It was vital that I left it there.

In order to know what a courageous life might feel like.

Dreaming Big or Shrinky-dink?

A Ferociously Journaled Page Curls
Copyright Diane Ludeking 2012

“You don’t love yourself enough to believe you deserve everything you want.” Lisa McCourt, Juicy Joy

This week found me journaling ferociously about what I deserve or what I have a right to.  It began when I realized my life is not in alignment with my dreams as much as I’d hoped.  And although I am narrowing the gap in several areas, I wanted to explore ways to narrow the gap in the areas that appear stagnant.

Seeking self-improvement is a fine line between appreciating what I have while creating something different.  Like being perfectly imperfect, it is quite a balancing act to accept myself as I am while desiring growth and change.  Which brings me to what I think I deserve or have a right to.  I cringe at both those words – deserve, right.  When I have a strong reaction like this, I know there is something there worth exploring.

“The secret to elevating every aspect of your life – love, money, health, life purpose – is simply to elevate your self-love.“ Lisa McCourt, Juicy Joy

Journal entry 4/24/12: I noticed I’ve been dreaming smaller lately.  Trying to fit into the limits of my own mind, not the limit of the Universe which I wrongly assume is that of my mind.  The Universe is limitless.  What is the point of limiting myself when I could have it all?  Where is my self-love lacking?  Let’s dream again…

And I dreamt big!  I filled page after page of things I’d forgotten and surprising new things I didn’t know I wanted.

Journal entry continued:  I give myself permission to dream big again.  I give myself permission to have it all.  All the dreams and the responsibility that comes with them.  I am responsible!  I am capable of managing the dream.  The dream life.  The dream life is a mirror of my alignment.  How I express my soul and manage my ego.  The dream life is a mirror of my self love.  I am not the shrinking shrinky-dink.  I am not these things that limit me – they are too small for me.  I claim my place in my dreams that are not yet as big as me.

And so goes the stream of consciousness that is journaling.  Some real gems in there and even more “to-be-continueds” as I live more life and learn more things.

Have your dreams shrunk or disappeared altogether?  Gift yourself twenty minutes today to dream big again.  And then take the first step in the direction of those dreams.  Please share your thoughts or dreams in the comments.

“Writing a novel is like driving a car at night.  You can see only as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.” E.L. Doctorow.  I think this applies to dreaming big too.

Soulution

Avatar-esque Tree in Frisco. Copyright Diane Ludeking 2010

I had a dream last week that ended with a former boss reprimanding me for using the wrong tool for a task.  The tool she wanted me to use was very similar to the one I had used but would have been more cumbersome and less efficient.  Confused by the accusation, I was about to ask her for clarity when the dream suddenly stopped.  I began to stir and wake when the word soulution popped into my head, deliberately spelled with the word soul.

“How cool is that?  I’m playing with words in my dreams!”  I thought as I lay in bed wondering what the peculiar spelling could mean.

Solution – noun – the act of solving a problem, question, etc.

Using the dictionary term to look at this dream, I found the question before me to solve was who’s right?  Clearly I was in the right because I chose the correct tool for the job, but I am familiar with these “conversations” and where they end – Blameville.

By looking at the unique spelling of this word, an obvious message for me and my soul work, I took myself deeper.

Soul – noun – the spiritual part of humans regarded in its moral aspect.

Looking for a definition of a word that does not exist, I was able to flex my soul muscle and come up with:

Soulution – noun (maybe it’s actually a verb) – the act of solving a problem using my spiritual practices and the seat of the soul, compassion.

This process also reminded me of my vow, a Plato quote:  Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.

Can you come up with another definition of soulution?  Leave it in the comments so I can continue to expand my own definition.  I think the work here is not done and I need your input.  Thanks.