Soul Places

Befriending the Soul through Inquiry and Creativity

Tag: ego

Dreaming Big or Shrinky-dink?

A Ferociously Journaled Page Curls
Copyright Diane Ludeking 2012

“You don’t love yourself enough to believe you deserve everything you want.” Lisa McCourt, Juicy Joy

This week found me journaling ferociously about what I deserve or what I have a right to.  It began when I realized my life is not in alignment with my dreams as much as I’d hoped.  And although I am narrowing the gap in several areas, I wanted to explore ways to narrow the gap in the areas that appear stagnant.

Seeking self-improvement is a fine line between appreciating what I have while creating something different.  Like being perfectly imperfect, it is quite a balancing act to accept myself as I am while desiring growth and change.  Which brings me to what I think I deserve or have a right to.  I cringe at both those words – deserve, right.  When I have a strong reaction like this, I know there is something there worth exploring.

“The secret to elevating every aspect of your life – love, money, health, life purpose – is simply to elevate your self-love. Lisa McCourt, Juicy Joy

Journal entry 4/24/12: I noticed I’ve been dreaming smaller lately.  Trying to fit into the limits of my own mind, not the limit of the Universe which I wrongly assume is that of my mind.  The Universe is limitless.  What is the point of limiting myself when I could have it all?  Where is my self-love lacking?  Let’s dream again…

And I dreamt big!  I filled page after page of things I’d forgotten and surprising new things I didn’t know I wanted.

Journal entry continued:  I give myself permission to dream big again.  I give myself permission to have it all.  All the dreams and the responsibility that comes with them.  I am responsible!  I am capable of managing the dream.  The dream life.  The dream life is a mirror of my alignment.  How I express my soul and manage my ego.  The dream life is a mirror of my self love.  I am not the shrinking shrinky-dink.  I am not these things that limit me – they are too small for me.  I claim my place in my dreams that are not yet as big as me.

And so goes the stream of consciousness that is journaling.  Some real gems in there and even more “to-be-continueds” as I live more life and learn more things.

Have your dreams shrunk or disappeared altogether?  Gift yourself twenty minutes today to dream big again.  And then take the first step in the direction of those dreams.  Please share your thoughts or dreams in the comments.

“Writing a novel is like driving a car at night.  You can see only as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.” E.L. Doctorow.  I think this applies to dreaming big too.

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Who do You Meet in Meditation?

The tool of meditation has been a great bonus in my life recently.  It began with an all day meditation retreat at Thundering Clouds, LLC a few months ago and quickly became my new favorite thing.  I had no preconceived notions about it so I was able to give myself fully to the experience.  Guided through several different meditations throughout the day, I found myself sinking further and further into – myself?

By the end of the day, I became quite familiar with what many people call their ego – or as a friend of mine recently called the voices in her head – the Committee.  No matter the label, the voice that talks incessantly about what others think of me, what I should be making for dinner and that ponders situations and people, was revealed as multitalented.

I sat like a mountain, breathed like the wind and tried to make my mind open like the sky.  I focused on my breath, even counted it, as an effort to quiet the voice, the background noise.  I soon realized with amazement that my monkey mind continued going despite all my efforts to sooth it away.  It was as though my thinking mind had been installed with a permanent wind up gear that the monkeys gladly kept wound tight.

My thoughts would momentarily retreat, like the waters during the splitting of the Red Sea, but then they would quickly come flooding back, distracting me, drowning me.  Before the thoughts came flooding back however, was an incredibly clear moment.  I could see the land on the other side, the prize, the antidote, for a more peaceful life.  In each of those fleeting moments, I became more and more convinced that there was a great boon in this age-old practice.

I met a kinder, gentler me on that day of meditation and I continue to learn patience as I bring my attention to the talking mind and then refocus on my breathing and sitting.  I have begun to use this skill throughout my day as I realize I am getting worked up about something.  I have even met my shadow in meditation and embraced her fully.  I meet all of me during meditation and am thankful for what I’ve learned from her.